Head Down, Tail Tucked

I am sitting in Hardin, MT, at my campsite by the road - literally! - And I am reflecting on my summer trip, as it is only a short week from being over. I am reluctant to admit that I am a little disappointed.

I had begun this trip with 2 goals: 1) self discovery and creation, and 2) find the place where I am supposed to practice. I thought that I would find some profound meaning in this quest of 2012, and come back from it a changed person, rejuvinated and ready to take on the veterinary world. I am afraid that none of that has happened. I enjoyed my experiences, I learned and gained good veterinary skills, and I took lessons, also, in what not to do, as usual. I saw some awesome scenery that at many times brought tears to my eyes, just taking in the beauty of it all. But in no place did I feel that glorious feeling of, "Oh my gosh! I BELONG here!"

And this has become more and more distressing to me. "Real life" is hurtling at me at warp speed, and I have no decisions made, nothing in particular in the works for what the HELL I am going to do after graduation. During a very long and serious conversation about life in general with a friend, I came up with this analogy for the anxiety I am feeling about my future:

I'm standing at the doorway of a burning building, looking out. In front of me, on the path to the road, lie burning hot coals. The house is burning down around me, flames licking at the backs of my legs, and I know I need to move soon to get to the safety of the street. The problem? I don't know if the soles on the sneakers I have been given will melt, or carry me safely across the hot coals. So there I stand, building burning...

I know when I find the place that I am supposed to be, I will know it. I just thought I would find it by now... :( Everyone else's summers seem to have been so productive and inspiring, some with job offers, so for me, returning home with no more than some skills I REALLY SHOULD have been able to learn in clinics, I feel dumb. I feel like the choices I made were wrong and now I am caught behind the 8 ball on what to do: internship or mentorship... I really hate this question! More lately, I have found myself longing for familiar ground. The green green grass of home, you know. The kind that grows in Florida, where there is seldom a threat of wildfires, and cattle can be stocked per acre like crazy, and the trees far outnumber the hills. I had to come out here to find this out, that's my story. However, I sense a resounding "I told you so," coming from several different directions.

Tomorrow, I will try to post about some of the positive things this trip has brought forward for me, because I know there ARE some. Its just that, for now, I am on my way home, Head Down, and Tail Tucked.